AFFIRMATION / DIVINE LOVE / FATHER'S LOVE LETTER / HEALING / INTIMACY / GOD'S PERSPECTIVE / THE MIND OF CHRIST / UNCONDITIONAL LOVE / VALUES / SITE MAP

THE DOVE ALLIANCE
"Serving God's Word On Saving Your Marriage"

If you need assistance - please CLICK HERE to send an email.



"It takes a willingness to do the little things for a spouse or significant other even if it is not appreciated. Selflessness is likened to humility, which always takes into consideration the other person. Selfishness is likened to pride, which only takes self into consideration. A relationship cannot thrive when pride and selfishness pervade; it can thrive when humility and selflessness are made a priority."
INTRODUCTION

Brothers and Sisters in Christ;

Before I begin, I want you to know that I have not yet attained the high calling to which God has called me, to be in perfect obedience and faithfulness to Him. I struggle daily against the temptations of selfishness, pride, anger, self-pity and all the other sins of the flesh. When I speak of the evils of this age, I am often speaking to that which I have known personally. When I refer to the great need of repentance and personal Holiness before God, I include my own continuing need each and every day to do the same. When I speak about the Church, I do not mean any individual denomination, or even any particular theological construct, but the true, universal body of believers in the Great and Glorious God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I also know that He is able to restore the Church if we will but seek Him with all our hearts! I pray He will use this humble work to bless you and help you further understand God, your marriage, and even yourself, with which we have to do.



This website is created for the sole purpose to help men who want to save their marriage, and/or, single men in relationship with their sweetheart. Most men do not understand the Biblical Laws written by God in regards of how man should be treating their wives with honor and respect. It is written in scriptures as a foundation in which man is fully responsible for their wife's welfare, mental health, and also their spiritual health. And begins with an imtimate relationship with God first; so you can recieve His word. And then with your wife; to live out His word.

I strongly suggest to aquire a Bible if you do not have one. As you will need to study God's word on every level of your life in order to save your marriage. My two favorites are the "Amplified" and the "King James" version.

Throughout this website are scriptures in which you must throughly understand - in order to reach a level of consistant changes - that will happen during your struggle in saving your marriage. These scriptures will endorse you, with your wife, as you live out God's word from day to day.... If you are a non-believer then I pray this website will help you to receive the Grace of God and come to know Jesus in a very personal way.

With that said; let us now begin -

The most terrifying experience for man, in which I believe, is to hear his wife say she wants a divorce. More times than often - when a man hears these words from his wife - devastation sets in abundantly; especially when there are children involved. If you are one of these men, and seeking help in saving your marriage, then you have a long road to haul. But is not to say - it cannot be accomplished.

A marriage break down is an adversity from man's leadership within his family (most times - negative). The Bible has hundreds of passages relating to this problem. But the greatest problem of all is communication. God created woman with a far more advance intellect than man's; and there is a reason for this. It is woman's intuition that can solve many problems in a marriage, and it is man's ego and pride that will not listen to her; especially from her perspective.

Listening means exactly that and not "selective-hearing". I am sure you THINK you know more than your wife - but as you advance through this website you will learn that you do not know more than her. And scriptures throughout the Bible will back up everything I will relate to you. But in order for you, as the husband, to gain knowledge of the problems in your marriage you must first LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.

Women need to feel their man is listening. Men can help by learning "How To Listen" and practicing it often, saying to themselves, again and again... Just listen, don't give advice. Just listen, don't give advice. Just listen, don't give advice.

It is important to recognize that men and women think differently. While you may think that you are a good listener, it may not be what your wife thinks. My suggestion to you: Ask her. Sit right down and say to her, "Do you think I am a good listener?" What did she say? Did she say yes? Then just read through these writings and simply improve or add to your great listening skills. But if she hesitates, or right out tells you that you are not a great listener, you had better get ready to start practicing these new skills I am about to teach you. A woman needs to talk about her feelings. She needs to discuss the events of the day and debrief the incidents that have taken place. She doesn't need you to solve her problems for her, she's pretty competent on her own, but she does need a person with a listening ear who will give witness to her and back her up with validation on what she is thinking and feeling. If she doesn't get that from you, she will go elsewhere to meet this happiness criteria. She will talk to her girlfriends, her mother, her siblings, to her adult children or to another man who likes to listen to her. She will pick one of those or all of those!

How to Listen to Your Wife

Step 1: Try to be in the moment. Most of the time, when we are not listening, we have our minds a million different places except where they should be, in the here and now. Take a few breaths, turn off the TV, your phone or whatever other distraction may be out there, let go of what is swirling around your head for a bit and actually allow your to listen.

Step 2: Listen without bias. Everyone has selective hearing and will only hear what they want to hear. Much like step one, this is also about letting go and this is about letting go of emotional baggage, pre-conceived notions and your daily bias. You don't have to agree, but the goal is to understand.

Step 3: Wives like to go around the bush ... not tell you directly ... so you need to read between the lines. If your wife says "I am so tired of making coffee every morning" ... she really means "Can you make the coffee a few days a week for me?"

Step 4: It's difficult for wives and mothers to ask for help when they have been doing it for several years. Sometimes they just need a break! Take the time to be involved in the household, if you are not.

Step 5: Husbands, if you listen better, you'll hear the clues sooner, before things get out of control. Wives tend to mention things first, then complain, then rant and rave. Wives really love it when husbands pick up the clue upon the "mention" ... or not having to mention anything at all ... be it take out the trash, make the bed with the clean sheets, fold the basket of clean laundry that's been sitting for three days.

Step 6: Listen earlier and avoid conflict. Help without her having to mention anything ... you are GOLD!! Remember, your wife loves you, and will do anything for you ... wouldn't you do her the honor of listening to her and doing anything for her?

Be Empathetic

Empathetic listening is trying to understand the conversation from her point of view. It is all very well to be sympathetic, but sympathy doesn't cut it all the time. When a husband is being sympathetic, he is hearing the problem from his point of view and can offer suggestions and encouragement based on his experiences. Many of the situations that women want men to listen to involves hearing the story from her point of view and not becoming an active participant in it. Does that sound hard to do? Just remember these simple rules: it is her story, your job is to nod and care about her. Remember that your wife is the most important person in your life and treat her that way.

How to Really Listen to Her

* Focus Solely on Her

Shut off the TV, radio, etc. Give her your undivided attention. It sounds easy, but how often do you get distracted because the game is on, a good song is on the radio, or because there is a '69 Chevelle SS cruising down the street?

* Repeat Back to Her Key Points of the Discussion

Women think and react differently than men. Listening is no different. Let her know that you were listening to her, and care about what she is saying. Get excited with her and show emotion (just a little, it's okay). Ensure your sincerity though, you don't want it to appear that you were just listening for your own ulterior motives.

* Listening Means Shut Your Mouth

She is trying to share her day with you, may it be positive or negative. How can she do so if you keep interrupting her? Shut up and let her talk! You do want to repeat back the key points of discussion every so often, but keep it simple. If she wanted your advice she would have asked for it, or sought professional help from her girlfriends. Don't let her believe that you don't think that she is capable of making her own decisions. Listen very carefully of the negative points of her conversation with you. This will help you to understand her more.

* Don't Be a Jerk

Do not belittle her, or make her feel she is wrong. Don't tell her that she has skewed her view, or that you know better and then leave the conversation there. Your goal is to have a pleasant conversation with the intent of opening up your relationship, not closing the doors in it.

If you must disagree, then disagree. But disagree in respectful manner by being fair and ensuring that both sides have a fair hearing. Once the conversation is clearly over don't open your mouth just so you get the final say because she talked for a minute longer than you did.

So let me ask you: Has your marriage lost its magic? If your answer is yes, it is probably because you aren't meeting your wife's needs. But in order to do that you must know what your wife's needs are. If you think money and security are enough then you are in for a big surprise one day soon; if not already. Women have four basic needs:

* security
* communication
* touching (non-sexual)
* romance

Most men have no problem with understanding the security issue but seem to have no clue when it comes to the other three basic needs. So, here are five strategies to help you get back on track with the woman of your dreams.

1. Listen

Learn to listen to your wife. You need to take time every day and communicate with her. Sit down and let her talk to you. You don't have to say much. Ask a question every now then or answer one of hers. But let her do most of the talking and you do most of the listening. If you learn to listen to your wife you will learn a great deal about her day and make her feel appreciated.

2. Date

Don't stop courting your wife just because you're married. Remember why you were chasing her in the first place and plan regular dates to keep the fire burning. Dating is more important now then when you first met. It doesn't matter if it's for pizza or lobster; what's important is that you're doing it with her.

3. Gifts

Bring flowers, candy or gifts for no reason at all. Do it because it's Tuesday or Friday or just because you wanted to do it. The gift doesn't have to be big, flashy or expensive. It just has to be from you.

4. Discover

Discover what your wife's likes and dislikes are. Don't assume you know. You might not know as much as you think you do. So, take some time to ask her about her favorite flower, color or song.

5. Remember

Never forget the big three: Birthday, Anniversary and Valentines Day. If you can remember these three days and make them special you will be forgiven for many other trespasses.

Listen To Her attentively

Listening is one of the most important aspects of a successful relationship. It is impossible to satisfy someones needs when you don't know what they are. Being an attentive listener will help you grow as a couple, and grow closer. I know that you listen to your wife all of the time, but do you hear her? You listen to her ask you to pick up some ice cream after work, and to take out the trash. But if you want her to ask you to come a little closer, or ask more often, you will definitely want to pay a little more attention to what she is really saying through out the day.

TAKE A FEW MINUTES, LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE, TALK AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Why won't he listen to me?!

This is a complaint that many, many women have in their marriage. So men, what does it mean for a man to listen to his wife?

Well, here are the major complaints that women have.

1. He doesn't seem to hear what I'm saying.
2. He isn't paying attention when I'm talking.
3. He interrupts and asks me questions.
4. He isn't interested, or seems to be bored.
5. He's impatient and wants me to quit talking.
6. He doesn't want to talk and share his thoughts with me.

Husbands, if you want to save your marriage, then we're going to let you know what you need to do in order to take care of each of these complaints.

1. He doesn't seem to hear what I'm saying.

Solution: don't listen to the words, listen to the feeling and emotion behind the words. For a woman, that's what really counts.

2. He isn't paying attention when I'm talking.

Solution: put away your books, magazine, newspaper and/or turn off the TV. Look her full in the eyes, turn your body towards her, uncross your legs and your arms, and give her feedback as she talks. Don't interrupt her, just say things like, "umm hmmm", or "great!", or "really". When you think that there is an emotion behind something that she sharing, like excitement, frustration, anger, irritation, then it's appropriate to say, "I can see that you're really frustrated about that", or "wow, you're right, that would really make me angry too."

3. He interrupts and asks me questions.

Solution: men interrupt and ask questions in order to be able to solve a problem. Find out in the beginning of your conversation with your wife, if she is interested in having you solve a problem for her or simply listen to her. If she wants you to solve a problem, then you can ask questions. If she just wants you to listen, see the answers to complaints 1 & 2.

4. He isn't interested or seems to be bored.

Solution: see the answer to problem #2,

5. He's impatient and wants me to quit talking.

Solution: whatever time you were planning on spending in a conversation with your wife, double it or triple it - at least in the beginning. Men, the long term benefits of this time investment are huge - trust me.

6. He doesn't want to talk or share with me.

Solution: get a glass, or a cup of your favorite beverage, leaned back in the chair, give her your full attention, and don't plan on leaving until she's finished. When she's finished, thank her for sharing her thoughts and tell her that you love spending time with her. If you've given her the impression in the past that you don't want to talk, or that you're not interested, you may have to tell her this dozens of times, before she begins to believe you. Sorry, no quick fix here, just time invested.

If you follow the plan that I've laid out above, not only will you save your marriage, your wife will think you are the most incredible husband on the face of the earth, she'll brag about you to every one of her friends, and, she'll be more than eager to meet some of your "emotional" needs later on.

Men - this is only the beginning. Without proper communication with your wife you will fail. You must destine yourself with God and begin a new journey in which you had not ever dreamt of until now. The journey throughout this website will bring you; your wife; and your marriage into full bloom of joy and happiness.... But be prepared in knowing that the road is long and hard and there is no easy fix. To save your marriage is entirely upon you as the husband. Your marriage is a career and must be care for with a tender-heart and total commitment. For the first time since your wedding day; you are to lay down your life for your wife; your marriage; and your children. And done so in that order. Your wife is your first priority above all else - including yourself; and your children.

God's Love From Genesis Through The Revelation.

There are no cookie-cutter steps that can be taken to force a husband to listen to his wife. But here are some realistic things that should be considered when he doesn't listen:

* A husband's thinking can paralyze his progress.

* You face the possibility of great loss - respect from family, job, health, marriage (or relationship), money, even up to life.

* You're heading toward a path of delusion. When a person is full of pride, you're walking in deception and delusion is not far behind.

* Things won't get better in your family dynamic until there is a change of attitude and heart about valuing your wife's voice, as well as your corresponding actions that show you are listening to her.

* When a husband is stuck on not valuing his wife's input, it's a sign of not loving her.

The Bible says a man's prayers will be hindered when he fails to love his wife and dwell with her with understanding.


Copyright © 2008 The Dove Alliance. All rights reserved.