oneself to another in any way - good or bad - is detrimental.
Comparison will always lead to a critical spirit which stops
everyone concerned in their tracks. Don't even compare your
present state with your past..."
"Dwell in Me and I will dwell in you, Live in Me and
I will live in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself
without being vitally united to the vine, neither can you bear
fruit unless you abide in Me" (John 15:4)
At some point, every man gets angry with his wife. It could be
over something minor like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste,
or something on a larger scale like disrespecting you in front of
other people. The anger itself is not a sin...it's what you
then do with it and how you respond to it that can potentially be
classified as sin.
How are you dealing with your anger in your marriage?
There are different ways that men typically deal with anger. Many
men internalize their feelings of anger. In trying to avoid
dealing with it, unforgiveness and bitterness take root,
gradually poisoning their marriage. Turning it inward doesn't
deal with the anger; instead it's allowed to build up over
Others externalize it. They turn their anger outward, towards
their wife, children, or anyone else who gets in their line of
fire. They let their feelings lead them to hurt others, either
verbally or physically. Many of these men profess that they just
"couldn't control themselves." This is a person
that's controlled by their emotions, instead of being in
control of their emotions. These men will continue to physically
or verbally abuse their wife or children as long as they can get
away with it.
Now, take that same "out of control" man and put him up
next to a 300 pound linebacker. Do you think he would control
himself enough to keep from slapping that linebacker around? Oh
yeah, because they know they couldn't get away with
that...not without some pretty hefty consequences.
We should never let our feelings of anger cause us to get
"out of control."
So what are some ways to deal with anger in marriage?
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and
slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)
1) Admit to yourself and God that you are angry. There's no
reason for denying it. Plus, as you get it out in the open,
you'll be better prepared to deal with it.
2) Don't yield to your feelings. If you think you may say or
do something that you'll regret, walk away from the situation
until you have control over your emotions. Take a deep breath to
bring your physical reactions to anger under control. Realize
that YOU are totally responsible for your own actions.
3) Whether the wrong committed against you was real or perceived,
intentional or accidental, bring the offense to God and forgive
your wife. Forgiveness is not for your wife, it's for you. As
you get in the habit of actually forgiving your wife, your anger
will lead you into sin less often.
4) Don't give the devil a foothold by dwelling on the
offense. If you've forgiven your wife, quit replaying the
situation over in your mind. Otherwise, not only will you cause
those angry feelings to come back, but you will give the devil
the opportunity to add fuel to the fire by telling you how evil
your wife is. This will only serve to send you back to square
one, negating any progress you've made.
If you've let your anger lead you into sin in the past, ask
God to forgive you and let it go. You can't control what
you've done in the past, but you can control what you do now
and in the future. Start preparing now for the next time you get
angry, because the time will come again when you'll need to
deal with it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you control yourself
and diffuse the anger without sinning. And remember Luke 1:37
"For nothing is impossible with God."
Your marriages is constantly under attack. Once you say "I
do", the devil sets his sights on trying to tear the
relationship apart. The reason for this is that so much good
comes from marriage. It's the foundation of our society and
the first institution established by God. What happens in our
marriages usually filters down to the rest of our lives and it
greatly influences our children.
The devil doesn't want your marriages to succeed or give any
sort of glory to God. So he fires shots at your relationship to
disrupt it any way he can. If you allow satan any sort of an
opening, he will march right through it, guns blazing.
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go
down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a
foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27
In this verse, it shows that anger towards your wife is a huge
opening for the devil to exploit. When you go to bed angry at our
wife, you allow satan an opening into your marriage.
The word "devil" means "slanderer". So satan
will take that opportunity to suggest to you how bad, mean, or
evil your wife is. He accuses her of all sorts of things that
make that anger even worse. Then upon waking up the next morning,
the anger has grown. The devil has just gained a foothold in your
marriage. All he has to do is keep gaining ground a little at a
time. Eventually, he will accomplish what he set out to do....
destroy your marriage. That is, only if we let him.
Anger is a feeling, a natural emotion, a human response to your
safety, well-being and happiness. Everyone experiences anger -
some people more intensely and frequently than others. Though
anger is one of the most common emotions known to the human race,
few people are skilled at reacting to this feeling with complete
Many of us rely on a few specific responses that we learned as
children and continue to use as adults. These responses can turn
into constructive or destructive behavior. Recognizing what makes
us angry can help us to find better ways to cope with this
emotion. It's not whether we get angry, but what we do with
our anger that matters.
Those who have studied anger indicate that more anger is
developed in marriage relationships than in any other
relationship. Unresolved anger is the principal cause of violence
toward another person. Successful anger management can mean the
difference between marital joy or absolute misery. The success or
failure of a marriage may depend on the way you cope with the
anger in your marriage.
Misconceptions of Anger
Many of us hold misconceptions of anger, and these misconceptions
can lead people to cover up their anger in different ways. Five
1. If you don't look angry on the outside, you don't have
a problem with anger.
2. If you ignore hurt and anger, these feelings will go away.
3. Venting feelings and anger will make them go away.
4. Playing the martyr (being nice all the time) and not
expressing anger will not damage you.
5. Your relationships will suffer if you express any anger or
How People Cover Up Anger
If you have any of these misconceptions, you may be covering up
your anger in one or more of the following ways:
* denial (ignoring the evidence)
* peace at any price (i.e. giving in rather than engaging
* grievance collecting (keeping track of everything that has
* passive/aggressive behavior (pouting, sarcasm, stubbornness,
procrastination, generating guilt)
* bigotry (hating another group of people)
* all-is-well attitude (overly sweet and nice about what is
Anger Can Be Healthy in a Relationship
Anger is present at different times in all marital relationships.
Couples should give each other the right to be angry. But only in
a righteous anger of God. Anger that ends up in violence is not
the way of God nor is it healthy.
When you notice angry feelings coming on, those angry feelings
should be expressed in words, but said calmly and with love.
These feelings should be expressed in much the same tone as you
would say, "I'm tired," or "I'm very
tired." To manage your anger it is necessary to express and
acknowledge it. But never attack in anger even though you share
Remember this as a better way of resolving anger:
* Admitting your anger to your wife;
* Desire to restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by
blaming or belittling;
* Explaining in a very calm manner why you are angry; and
* Action planning or doing something about the cause of the
If anger is handled in this way, using a calm approach to
identify the cause of the anger and what can be done about it,
you will usually find that the anger was based on a
misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or deeds. You may also
find out that your wife was pushed beyond a level of tolerance.
All these things can be resolved if approached calmly.
If you are not controlling your anger but only letting your
emotions lead you is a sure way to get out of the will of God.
We're so used to doing or saying what we feel that we allow
our emotions to control us without a second thought.
In the process of following where your "feelings" lead
you, you begin veering away from God's will. This then leads
to many other negative consequences, including hurting those
around you like our wife, children, friends, and co-workers.
Many times it gets us into trouble with people we don't even
know. Road rage would be a prime example of that. Decisions
should not be made on the basis of the negative emotions we are
That is especially true when it comes to dealing with another
person; such as your wife. Damaged marriage or relationship can
be hard to mend when one has been hurt by something another has
said or done hastily in a moment of uncontrolled emotion.
"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to
peace and to mutual edification." Romans 14:19
The Number One Problem in Marriage
What have you probably heard is the number one problem in
marriage? Often cited as the number one problem is the lack of
communication. I don't believe that's the case. It's
a problem, but not the main problem. The lack of communication is
purely a symptom of a deeper problem. The number one problem in
marriage is... SELFISHNESS.
Selfishness means "seeking one's own advantage,
pleasure, or well-being without regard for others."
Everyone struggles with selfishness. We all want what we want
when we want it. We were born this way. You don't have to
teach a small child how to say "gimme, gimme" when they
see a toy they want that someone else has. Are You A Sucker?
"The leech has two daughters. 'Give! Give!' they
cry." Proverbs 30:15
The leech is a parasite that never gets enough. It continually
sucks the life out of something. There are two relationship
1) the parasitic relationship, where one sucks out of the
2) the edifying relationship, where one puts into the
Many times people go into a marriage relationship for what it can
provide for them. They want security, affection, companionship,
money, sex, to name a few. "Give, give" they cry. But
God wants us to be more focused on others and less focused on
"Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's
well-being." 1 Corinthians 10:24 (NKJV)
How often do we enter into marriage thinking, what can I do to
make this other person's life more fulfilling? Rarely. Living
a life of selfishness will hinder a person from receiving from
Personally, this area hit me right between the eyes. I ask you to
think about this for a moment: Are you sucking out of your
marriage? Constantly in a mindset of why won't your wife do
this or that? You want her to give to you? Concern about what you
could give to her without expecting something in return is not a
part of your thinking? Respect, honor, kindness, and self-worth
are things you are requiring from her? If so - then this picture
is pretty ugly. Would you not say so?
And if you say yes to these questions then you are being a
parasite in your marriage. Edifying your marriage and building up
your wife by seeking to only meet her needs are things you need
to be doing. You need to be constantly seeking to put your
wife's well-being first... and without expecting anything at
all in return.
You shouldn't always be thinking about yourself and only what
you need. You should walk in love, unselfishly thinking of your
wife and her benefit more than your own. When you walk in love
and bless others, you can expect God to take care of you needs in
the process. Don't suck the life out of your marriage by
always seeking to get and never giving. Love has nothing to do
with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are
expecting to give - which is everything.
MARRIAGE ROLES IN BIBLICAL BALANCE
Men - this is YOUR responsibility to bring balance into your
marriage. If you live your life within this balance then your
wife WILL be submissive beyond your dreams and she would not even
realize she is doing so.
God's will is for Christians men and women to esteem His
entire Word, and to both understand it and obey it in biblical
balance. However, all too often Christians fail either to
understand biblical balance in marriage roles or to be willing to
God has given five basic principles for marriage that are to be
obeyed, not because a husband or wife "feels like it,"
and not because the other person "deserves it," but
because God commands obedience.
Practicing God's five principles for marriage means obeying
God, loving God, and trusting God whether or not it is easy or
A first one of these five biblical principles is given in
Ephesians 5:22-24. God says that wives are to submit themselves
to their own husbands "as unto the Lord," and they are
to be subject to their husbands "in every thing."
If this one truth is accepted and practiced in a marriage, and an
equally important truth is misunderstood, ignored, or rebelled
against, that marriage falls short of God's will.
A second biblical truth is: "Husbands, love your wives,
even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for
it" (Eph. 5:25).
To understand God's command that husbands love their wives,
we must recognize that the word translated "love" is
Inserting the meaning of "agape," we paraphrase:
"Husbands, each of you must dedicate yourself to your
wife and to her good. You must purpose and do those things that
are best for her, whether you like her or not, no matter how she
treats you, even if it kills you, just as Christ dedicated
Himself to the church and gave His life for it" (Eph.
We can find further light on the husband's role in marriage
by considering the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians. As we
read "charity" or "love" we need to
understand that God is speaking of "agape" love.
Agape love does not seek its own--it is not selfish (1 Cor.
13:5). Instead, agape love is directed toward the good of the
other person. Therefore, for a husband to love his wife in
accordance with God's command in Ephesians 5:25, he must
unselfishly dedicate himself to doing what is best for his wife.
And this means unconditionally.
Agape love is not puffed up--it is not proud (1 Cor. 13:4). A
husband is not loving his wife as God has commanded him to do if
he is so proud that he will not let his wife have a thought or an
opinion that does not agree with his own.
By commanding that the wife submit to her husband, God has placed
on husbands the responsibility for all decisions.
Let's put the husband's leadership and the wife's
submission in biblical balance:
1. God has given the husband the leadership role for the good of
his wife, not as an excuse for him to be proud or selfish, and
not as an excuse to treat her as a servant.
2. God has not said
the husband must, or should, make all decisions in his family. If
a husband wants to please God, and if he loves his wife with
agape love, he will delegate some decision making to her - she
has brains too.
- Some husbands do
not seem to understand that yelling for food or beverage service
while they are watching a sports event on TV and while their
wives are scrubbing the kitchen floors on their hands and knees
does not reflect biblical truth in balance.
3. God has not said that the husband must make decisions without
obtaining input from his wife.
4. God has not said that the husband must make decisions
according to his wishes, nor even according to his wisdom.
Instead he must make decisions that are best for his
5. If husband and
wife disagree, if he is not proud, and if he is not selfish, he
will be willing to go along with her ideas and her desires -
unless it would hurt her or someone else spiritually,
emotionally, or physically, or unless what she wants is
- If the husband is
not proud, he will not think that he is always right. If the
husband is not proud, he will seek her input before making
- If the husband is
not selfish, he will not want his way, but instead will desire to
please his wife.
- God has not made
him the leader in the family to feed his ego, or to satisfy his
selfishness, but for her good.
6. However, again keeping biblical truth in balance, if she is
not proud, and if she is not selfish, she will not think that she
is always right, and she will not want her way.
7. If the wife considers the leadership role that God has given
her husband, she will recognize that God wants to give her
husband the insight and wisdom that he needs to lead the family -
she will look to her husband for leadership.
8. Obeying God and loving his wife with agape love includes the
husband assuming his God-given responsibilities and shielding his
wife from emotional and physical loads that are too heavy for
9. If a husband understands God's Word in biblical balance,
if he loves God, and if he loves his wife with agape love, he
will not abdicate his God-given responsibilities to his wife, nor
for rearing their children.
Thus far we have considered two biblical principles that God
has given for marriage.
God has given the third and fourth principles of marriage in the
first epistle of Peter. God says that husbands must live with
their wives (3) "according to knowledge," (4) giving
[them] honor" (1 Peter 3:7).
Living with wives "according to knowledge" is much more
than treating them with consideration. Living with wives
according to knowledge includes:
a) creating an atmosphere in which, in absolute trust, they will
reveal their thoughts and feelings;
b) gaining understanding through listening; and
c) doing what is best for them in accordance with knowledge.
If the husband wants to obey God, please Him, and show God that
he loves Him, he will treat his wife with respect because God
commands it. Treating wives with respect rules out jesting that
degrades them personally, degrades wives or women in general,
and/or that degrades marriage (an institution ordained of
The fifth biblical principle is: God commands wives to honor
["reverence"] their husbands (Eph. 4:31).
Even though some translations of the Scriptures may give the
erroneous idea that wives should have respect for their husbands,
God does not command wives to respect their husbands, nor does He
command husbands to respect their wives.
Respect must be earned. In all too many marriages, it is
impossible for the wife to respect her husband, and in other
marriages it is impossible for the husband to respect his
Instead of commanding respect, God commands treating with
respect. To honor means to treat with respect.
If the wife wants to obey God, please Him, and show God that she
loves Him, she will treat her husband with respect, even if she
is unable to respect him as a person, or respect his
How do these five principles relate to "being one?" Too
often, when "two become one," there is a power-struggle
to determine which "one" they will become. Will they
become him? Or her?
Instead of a selfish and prideful fight for power, they should
become "one" in their desire to please God, in their
desire to serve Him, in their desire to fulfill their respective
roles in marriage, and in their desire to help each other become
more and more Christ-like.
Marriage can be likened to two trees. The husband should be like
the oak tree. He is to be stronger, and he is to protect his wife
from the winter winds. She is to be like the apple tree, not as
strong but with a godly beauty, usefulness, and fragrance.
If two trees are too close together, they do not have limbs all
of the way around. If a husband loves his wife biblically, he
will give her opportunity, space, and encouragement to develop
"limbs all of the way around."
If a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church and gave
Himself for it, he will allow her, give her opportunity, and
encourage her, to develop as a godly and competent woman in the
home, in the church, and in the community.
Proverbs 31:10-31 speaks of the wife of many virtues. This woman
heard of a field that was for sale, she considered its worth, and
she bought it (vs. 16). God commended this wife. What about the
husband? Since God was pleased with her, she had not done this
contrary to her husband's will. Instead, we can assume that
he was encouraging her, and God was pleased with him, too.
There is a message for husbands. We read that "Her husband
is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the
land" (verse 23). Apparently, her reputation, and his
reputation for his wisdom in using her skills and talents, had
led him to a place of leadership in the community - he sat at the
gate as one of the rulers.
If a man is wise, he will take his wife as a full partner and
help her develop her talents. If he really loves her, as opposed
to considering her as a possession to serve his every desire, he
will dedicate himself to helping her develop as a godly
Wives submit? If a husband is loving her as God intends him to
love her, he will be so unselfishly and humbly dedicated to her
good, and so considerate of God's will for her as well as her
wishes, desires, and opinions, that she will hardly realize that
she is in submission.
This is the beauty of biblical roles in marriage. If biblical
truth is held in balance and practiced, the husband will be
dedicated to doing good for her, and she will gratefully let him
Love From Genesis Through The Revelation.
Insert here I have
come to you today to open some more layers of truth and dismantle
any overshadowing from the enemy through lies, wrong
self-perception, pride or fear. I have come to give you life
abundant this moment. Before you receive keep this in mind, Rome
wasn't built in a day. They didn't quit building because
it couldn't be done in a day. Don't think
about how you have done this before and haven't seen the
change or fulfillment you long for. Why not try a whole new way
looking at things? Why not just assume (to do so would be the
100% correct thing to do) a good thing will take
place - assume help has come and progress is made
whether you see it immediately or not?